Blessings of Joy

The Universe is trying to help me, and I’ve decided to let it.

Allow me to share with you some weird thoughts…I think my grandfather’s death so closely after losing Zach was a catalyst for better healing for Chris and I. Yesterday, I was assigned a new provider for grief counseling and at first, I was unhappy about that. But then…she called me. We talked; she asked about what’s been going on. I shared with her. She expressed her sympathies. We set an appointment. She then said, “before you go, I want to recommend a podcast to you”. Now, those who know us well will know that this was like music to my ears and if Chris had been there, he would have rolled his eyes and said, “oh God”. I am a self-professed podcast junkie. I listened to that podcast right away as any good addict would and here is what I learned from episode 1 of Anderson Cooper’s podcast called All There Is. I allow grief to move through me. I feel it. I cry or I scream, or I talk to someone about memories, or I share a memory, or I call someone and cry or I sit with myself and cry…or whatever. In doing that, I know inherently that I am letting grief move through me and out…so I can receive the new beginning that shows up when a loss occurs. In this way, I am just like Anderson’s mom Gloria Vanderbilt (that’s right, the fashion icon Gloria Vanderbilt and I share a grieving method, eat your hearts out). Chris pushes his grief down. Goes inward. Uses logic to process and keeps the talking to a minimum lest that grief bubble busts loose, and God forbid…he cries. In this way, Chris is just like Anderson Cooper (yes that’s right, my husband grieves just like a gay, silver haired fox from CNN, eat your hearts out). And that is all ok. It must be. Because we are not the same and we never were. So why would we be now? The reason my grandfather’s death has helped us to heal is because when Zach passed, I was sort of mimicking Chris’ way of grieving because I did not want to cause him pain by grieving out loud. I wanted to give him that space and that time to process via logic…and thankfully he does also have a therapist and so I wanted to allow that time and therapeutic healing as well. But when my grandpa died suddenly, and I had no choice but to grieve in my own way for a person who I was so close to…it changed everything. In the best possible way. For the worst possible reason. And now, this new angel who was sent to me as a blessing from the universe has helped me see that and relate to it all by suggesting this podcast.

Ok now, that is not the only blessing the universe has given me. I’ve been out shopping three times recently and all three times a duck was left on my Jeep. I’d been in a dry spell but now suddenly…ducked all the time.

And this one is the biggie…are ya ready? Here we go. When I was very small my parents (the original ones) moved into my dad’s great grandparents house after they passed away. Right across the street lived Joyce and Ray Scroggins. The nicest people you could ever meet. They doted on Cory and I and thought the world of us. As we grew and life changed…we still were at my dads of course and I even lived there in that little house by the pond for a year after I came to live with my dad and stepmom at the age of 9. Anytime we were there we usually went over to Joyce and Ray’s as we called it. They had a ping pong table. They had a gravity swing. They had a tire swing. I’m pretty sure they had a dog. We loved them and they loved us. When I was 10, we moved to Greensburg and sometimes we would stop at their house when we went to see my grandma. But those stops became less frequent and eventually ended. We always honked when we went by their house, and I still do every time. So now here we are in present day. We’ve lost grandpa and it’s in the paper. They see it in the paper. They write a card and a note, and they TAKE IT TO THE FUNERAL HOME BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO ADDRESS FOR US. Then, THE FUNERAL HOME CALLS MY AUNT WHO GOES TO GET IT AND GIVES IT TO ME. I have her open it because I’m driving when she gives it me and I’m just overwhelmed with what??? JOY! Joy? The universe has done it again. Two angels of mine for my whole life have now resurfaced. So, I come home. I send a text to my brother Cory and my mom, and I let them know we have this beautiful card and note, and we start talking about how sweet this is and I get to thinking…can I find them? They left an address so yes…but can you just show up to someone’s house who is like in their late 70’s? Maybe not. So…. I go onto whitepages.com, find their old LANDLINE, call it and JOYCE ANSWERES THE PHONE!!!!! It’s 9pm so I feel sort of like a jerk now and I apologize but Joyce says it’s ok and she is soooooooo happy to hear from me and I cry, and she cries, and we talk for 30 minutes and make plans for me to go see them the week of Christmas. I hang up and I know, without any doubt, that the universe is helping me.

Here’s why that’s important. When Zach left us, I wanted to give up. Not like die. Let me clear that up. But I thought about taking to my bed for a while. I thought about not “doing” Christmas. I literally thought about letting my spirit die. Become bitter. Become jaded. It crossed my mind. It crossed my heart too. Then the little white butterflies came, and I started to get better. But then grandpa died, and I really tried convincing myself to give up. To just not be me anymore. I thought so much about how last Christmas at my grandparents was the last one forever and that tried to crush my soul. But then my spirit reminded me that I’d had so many to treasure. And the owls came. And the angels started showing up and at first, I wanted to hide from that. The joy. But after I met Vicki at Walmart and after the ducks came…OH!!! And a lady paid for my nails at the salon. AND my sister-in-law kept sending me beautiful ornaments. I decided to embrace the help. I decided to lead with my spirit and love. I could become hardened. I have in moments, and I still will in moments. The angels don’t leave me though. They stay close to remind me…YOU are love. YOU are light. And no amount of loss, of heartbreak, of pain, can change that...if you just believe.